


The Giraffe's Corrective

by orphan_account



Series: Chicagoverse [2]
Category: Les Misérables (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Euthanasia, Gen, Pontmercying, and consequences thereof, denmark's questionable preference for naming giraffes marius, ripped from the pages of the Guardian, zoos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-13
Updated: 2014-02-13
Packaged: 2018-01-12 04:42:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1182039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marius finds out that Denmark zoos keep euthanizing giraffes named Marius. The news sends him into an existential crisis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Giraffe's Corrective

Marius, haggard, couldn’t bring himself to leave the giraffe exhibit. He’d spent most of the day with Marius-the-potentially-surplus-giraffe, and he felt that if he left this particular five year old giraffe alone, it’d be tantamount to abandoning him. He had turned his phone off just in case someone sent him a gloating text message announcing that Denmark had euthanized its second giraffe named Marius. There was no malice in his friends sending him news about the death of Marius the giraffe, but the words ‘surplus’ and ‘undesirable genetics’ had sent him off into an existential crisis.

Perhaps the crisis would resolve itself if Denmark found a use for its population of Mariuses. Perhaps the Lincoln Park Zoo would look to its own Marius, and find him possessing insufficient genetic variability. Though it was statistically unlikely that Marius the human would be fed to lions if he failed his bar exam, he did feel a brutal sense of universal judgment over the Marius population, of which he was no spectacular member.

“I have always thought you a man of much leg and an excess of neck, but I confess you have found your superlative,” said Courfeyrac, leaning on the plaque announcing the presence of _Giraffa camelopardalis rothschild_. “There is still a Marius in Denmark, a fact which would be of comfort to you had you left your phone on. Your scarcity will produce infamy. I am concerned for your health and your already fragile _joie de vivre_. I abjure you: do not persist in contemplating the giraffe. Mariuses are not an error in need of correction.”

Marius hung his head. “Everyone’s so gleeful about it. One Marius the giraffe euthanized is a tragedy; two Marius the giraffes euthanized is funny. Maybe the zoo will shoot this one just to capitalize on the attention. I doubt this Marius has made himself essential.”

“You are a man of Marianist sympathies, a quality I share myself.” Courfeyrac put his hand on Marius’s shoulder and attempted to make eye contact. Marius looked to Marius instead. “You will always have a place in this world, my friend, metaphorical and literal.”

“Thank you.”

“I’ve considered buying a bunk bed, just to take our relationship to the next level,” Courfeyrac said, pausing to smile at his own joke. “Besides, the Danish Marius cull is the result of incest in the local population, a mechanism of no concern to the Pontmercys.”

The Pontmercy family tree resembled a drain. The genogram project he’d done in middle school had been an exercise in learning his own family’s poverty of affection, particularly in comparison to the fruitful trees of the many Dakotas and Gages, whose parents came to watch their heritage presentations.  Marius was still not entirely convinced Courfeyrac and his friendship wouldn’t suddenly disappear if he pressed Courfeyrac too closely, like a soap bubble that made him happy.

He was not good at analogies, which was probably why he identified with a giraffe.

**Author's Note:**

> The inspiration for this story came from the Guardian's [tireless Danish giraffe coverage](http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/feb/12/second-giraffe-marius-risk-denmark-zoo).
> 
> This takes place in Chicago's Lincoln Park zoo, on a snowy day. Marius's cheeks are red and lovely; Courfeyrac looks like a J. Crew model. Afterwards, Courfeyrac sends his father the following text:
> 
>  
> 
> _yo pater any practical advice for how to cheer up a good friend?_
> 
>  
> 
> His father's reply:
> 
>  
> 
> _Vagina_
> 
>  
> 
> _damn autocorrect_
> 
>  
> 
> _I meant gin_


End file.
